The real reason why we have not occupied Mars
by Emily Reed
28.10.69
Dear NASA,
Congratulations on your recent achievement of reaching your planet’s moon. I understand that your meek human bodies have limitations that make traveling to the moon an arduous task. I sincerely commend you for overcoming your technical difficulties.
However, rumors have been circulating around the galaxy that your next mission is to inhabit our planet Mars. What you don’t understand is that we, the Xucdt, live on the very planet you wish to inhabit.
For millions of years, us Xucdt have stayed on our side of the solar system. We are content on our red planet and fulfill our thirst for adventure by exploring our moons by the names of Deimos and Phobos. We have sat quietly while your planet continually disrupts the peace with your tsunamis, earthquakes, and rock music. You self-righteous individuals do not realize that you are the most hated species living on the most accident prone planet in the galaxy!
In fact, your antics have angered the Goalithck of Jupiter to the point that they are considering waging war on your meager planet. As a friendly gesture, we have decided to do to opposite and extend an olive branch to you in your time of need. We promise to convince the giants living on Jupiter of your good intentions in exchange for a written agreement, signed by your government, assuring us that you will not invade our inhabited planet.
Failure to comply with the terms and conditions of this treaty will result in our influential advocation during the Annual Intergalactic Conference, that you’re not invited to, to assault your sorry excuse for a planet on all sides in an extraterrestrial nuclear war.
It is in our best interest to civilly conduct public relations with planets in our system but if you invade our planet, we will be forced to violently retaliate. For your sake, I recommend that you leave us alone so no one gets hurt.
Warmest regards,
Xucdt of Mars
Dear NASA,
Congratulations on your recent achievement of reaching your planet’s moon. I understand that your meek human bodies have limitations that make traveling to the moon an arduous task. I sincerely commend you for overcoming your technical difficulties.
However, rumors have been circulating around the galaxy that your next mission is to inhabit our planet Mars. What you don’t understand is that we, the Xucdt, live on the very planet you wish to inhabit.
For millions of years, us Xucdt have stayed on our side of the solar system. We are content on our red planet and fulfill our thirst for adventure by exploring our moons by the names of Deimos and Phobos. We have sat quietly while your planet continually disrupts the peace with your tsunamis, earthquakes, and rock music. You self-righteous individuals do not realize that you are the most hated species living on the most accident prone planet in the galaxy!
In fact, your antics have angered the Goalithck of Jupiter to the point that they are considering waging war on your meager planet. As a friendly gesture, we have decided to do to opposite and extend an olive branch to you in your time of need. We promise to convince the giants living on Jupiter of your good intentions in exchange for a written agreement, signed by your government, assuring us that you will not invade our inhabited planet.
Failure to comply with the terms and conditions of this treaty will result in our influential advocation during the Annual Intergalactic Conference, that you’re not invited to, to assault your sorry excuse for a planet on all sides in an extraterrestrial nuclear war.
It is in our best interest to civilly conduct public relations with planets in our system but if you invade our planet, we will be forced to violently retaliate. For your sake, I recommend that you leave us alone so no one gets hurt.
Warmest regards,
Xucdt of Mars